I’m doing a women’s Bible study which is a personal journey into the broken pieces inside my heart. As I read the scriptures and study the questions, I feel uncomfortable and feel myself pulling away from answering the questions. Yet, I know in order for God to heal the broken pieces, I must be honest with myself. See, God already knows the answers.
So I bought a pretty purple quilted journal in which to write my thoughts and answers. Today as I wrote down the feelings in my heart and acknowledged the reasons why I feel alone and and that I don’t “belong” I realized the symbolism of this quilted journal.
The cover represents the outer me, the one who smiles and says everything is just fine. It hides the inside pages where the real me is hidden. Truthfully answering the questions for my feelings of insecurity was a painful experience. I had to face the bitter truth that I never felt good enough, that I was always a disappointment to my mom and dad. See, they expected me to be perfect. To bring home perfect grades. To be the child they could proudly say “She did this! She did that!”
So, as I grew older, I shared the “successes” with my parents so they would be proud of me and then I felt loved. I didn’t share the sad parts, the broken pieces of my heart, because they didn’t understand. They didn’t want me to be less than they envisioned me to be.
Now as I pen the deeply buried pain, I realize these things have kept me from opening up to much needed relationships with other people. My insecurities keep me from showing my vulnerabilities. Fear keeps me from opening up. Fear of being rejected, of not being knowledgable enough, or smart enough, or being different from everyone else.
God has been revealing these things to me and when I cry out, “It hurts!” He tells me, “I know, child.” And I say, “I don’t want to look any deeper.” He says, “Trust me.”
I’m a work in progress. Only God knows what is in my future. But I trust Him. He’s healing me…one broken piece at a time. Through prayer, faith, trust and believing I can face and do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.
Is God healing your broken pieces?