A personal emotional meltdown. I’m in the middle, trying to pull myself back out of the hole. For weeks I’ve been battling with my procrastination toward writing, not sure why it’s become an issue. Wondering if it is the devil throwing stumbling blocks in my path, or if I’ve chosen a calling that God really didn’t call me to do.
The weather is warming up. Spring is sprouting beautiful flowers weeks ahead of time. The sun is shining. The yard is in need of serious attention. Flower beds need weeding. Mulch needs to be removed, soil treated, new mulch required. Land timbers need replaced. Rotting wood along the base of the deck. Stairs in need of repair. The shed floor rotting and dangerous to step on. Weeds, weeds, everywhere.
Inside the house, walls in need of painting. Carpet needing replaced. Stairs giving a loud groan of protest, signaling possible collapse. Ceilings too high to reach the cobwebs. Flooding in basement which reached carpet. Musty. Damp. Depressing.
My eyes scan and see the multitude of tasks needing done, but my mind cannot process it without a feeling of overpressing depression. Can I do all of this myself? Can I keep my feelings hidden, show joy and not make my husband feel guilty for not being able to help? He used to do all these tasks, but now he’s not able.
I’m having an emotional meltdown, but I can’t unload it on my beloved husband. For years he carried the burdens, and he did it without complaining, without breaking down. Now it is my turn. I need to be strong for him.
I am so grateful for all the blessings God has bestowed upon me. Way too many to count. I am thankful to have a home, and I’m trying to find the joy needed to maintain it.
Father, God, I need You. I need Your arms to hold me, comfort me, tell me it’s going to be okay. Lift the depression and let me turn control over to You. Take the burden and walk with me as I tackle one small thing at a time. Help me not to be overwhelmed, not to look at the big picture but to see small tasks instead. Let me be joyful in work, in small accomplishments. Satan is nipping away at me, trying to find a foothold in my weakness. Help me to be strong, to keep my eyes focused on You. Fill me with Your loving Spirit so there is no room for evil to slip in. I pray in Jesus’ Name, Amen.