Dealing with my husband’s death has been extremely difficult. Sometimes the grief becomes too much to bear.
Each of us deals with grief in our own way. I haven’t felt anger, though some may. I haven’t blamed anyone, though there are times when Satan plays with my mind and tries to make me focus on “what if.” He enjoys digging into my spirit when I’m vulnerable.
After my husband’s burial, I threw myself into cleaning. I cleaned out closets and moved heavy furniture from one room to another. Where I found the strength is beyond my understanding. When there was nothing left to move or clean, I began to wash walls and paint the rooms.
None of this was done to erase my husband from my home and memories. No. It was done to keep my body so exhausted that I was too tired to spend hours grieving. I journaled feverishly during the first days of grief…those times when I sobbed and cried loudly for the missing piece of me.
I made a memory frame to hang on the wall. It brings me comfort.
I will never be the same again. Half of me is gone. Sometimes the loneliness is overpowering. I miss seeing him sitting in his recliner, me on the sofa crocheting, while he watches old sitcoms on television. I miss hearing the oxygen concentrator, the nebulizer, his solitaire game when he wins. These sounds will never be in this home again. Nor the sound of his laughter. The sight of his soft gentle smile and beautiful brown eyes full of love. He will never pet our cats again. He will never hug me again, or kiss me goodnight. These things I miss.
Perhaps time will heal. Now that the frenzy of housecleaning is over, I have more time to think about what is gone from my life. But, at the same time, I reflect on all the blessings the Lord has given me in the past, and in the present. Without my faith, I couldn’t go on. Despair would drag me under.
Each day is a new day, one that will be spent without my beloved soul mate. I will spend each day giving thanks to God for blessings, holding tight to the hand of Jesus, and making my husband proud of the woman I’m becoming. I am who I am because of him. Always have been, always will be.