In September, the first Thanksgiving without my husband loomed like a dark cloud to pull me into grieving instead of being thankful. I am human and susceptible to Satan. While I would take five steps forward, he was waiting to drag me back three steps.
Thanksgiving turned out to be a wonderful day spent in one on one time with my daughter in Wisconsin. We had a traditional dinner of turkey with all the trimmings, but I wasn’t lost in feelings of being alone. It has been a long time since I attended a pajama party, but that’s what the day felt like. Just two females hanging out in front of the fire, crocheting, knitting, watching tv, eating, laughing… A perfect day. Exactly what my husband would have wanted for me.
As each special day comes and goes, my faith and family lift me above the grieving and into the new life I’m forging. I still do a dance with Satan, but he’s losing. Rarely is he able to pull me backward. There are brief moments when I’ll shed a tear, but I know that is why God gave us tears. They are drops of healing.
Christmas and New Year’s Day await. I look at the house and feel the urge to decorate. Oh, how my Ron loved the Christmas decorations! Years past, he would climb onto the roof and put up lights. Our yard was filled with his special touches which rivaled The Griswold’s Christmas! The fireplace would burn brightly while stockings hung on the mantle. I remember when finding a perfect live tree and cutting it down after the kids found the best one. Hot chocolate followed.
Today I will look for a new tree. One which is smaller and easier for me to put up alone. Some things will change. Life is all about change. Accepting it with grace is the key. Our family will still have the annual “get-together” with gift exchange, games, laughter and joy. Some things won’t change. We’ll just be missing one very special person. His spirit will be here with us though. We’ll remember the good times. We’ll laugh at memories like the first year Ron put in the fireplace. We had placed a table with gifts in front of the fire and Ron stood there to pass out the presents. He bent over one too many times and burned his rear! Oh, the roar of laughter that year!! Yes, we’ll remember, but that, too, is part of the healing process for each of us.
Today I will begin the ritual of decorating. And I will do it with love, because that is what he would want for me. Hearts are healed through prayer, faith, hope, love and a few tears.