Widows are cautioned not to sign any legal documents or make life-changing decisions during the immediate months after losing their spouse. Even when we believe we are in a good state of mind, we can do things we’ll regret later.
Personally, the first weeks following Ron’s passing were a roller coaster of highs and lows. Activity was the only means of keeping me from falling into deep depression. My house now has newly painted walls and furniture has been moved between rooms.Closets were cleared, drawers were emptied. I pushed my body into activities which exhausted me so sleep came easy.
During the following months, items were missed. One day I started sobbing because I didn’t have a single thing with my husband’s signature on it. Where were all the cards exchanged between us? Why hadn’t these been saved over the years? Regrets overwhelmed me.
God led me to three cards tucked into a drawer…an anniversary card, a birthday card, and a mother’s day card. And the last valentine he ever gave me, which was hand drawn on a piece of note paper is framed on my bedroom wall. I remember him asking me why I kept it on the refrigerator for over three years. That valentine was cherished over any given over the years and always will be.
Anger was never a real part of my grieving. How could I be angry at God? My husband was suffering and now he isn’t. During the years of his illness, we became even closer because we didn’t have day jobs that kept us apart. Our friendship grew deeper. I wasn’t angry because he was taken ill, only saddened that he had to go through what he did. These were the years God used to strengthen my faith, humble me, and teach me how to show my husband he could still do many things he loved. Anger never entered into my thoughts.
Each of us deals with grief in an different way. Most women deal with the tears and deep sorrow in the quiet of our homes and paste on a smile for the outside world. You might tear up when someone asks how you’re doing, when you’ve been just fine for days or hours until the question is asked. You might break down when you hear a song, watch a movie, or see a happy couple together.
If anger has any part in my life, it’s that I cleaned out things much too soon. In my frantic efforts to keep from thinking about my loss, I discarded things I should have kept. But these are only things, as God continually points out. True blessings are found in memories of years spent together, the years of love, the years we became better people together.
If you are going through a period of grief, you aren’t alone. You aren’t crazy. You will feel better.
Your broken heart will never be completely whole again, but with God’s grace and mercy, you will learn how to love again. You’ll love the sunshine, the beautiful sky, flowers, animals, people. The process is different for each of us. Take your time, hold fast to your faith, and cherish your blessings.