5/24/15 – I Miss Us

DSC00279There is no explanation for the tears I can’t stop today. Perhaps it’s the combination of being Memorial Day weekend and a Sunday. I recall how we used to spend this holiday camping or doing something fun with the kids. Sometimes it was a long ride and a picnic. No matter what we did, we were together and life was good.

I’ve spent the day after church reading and napping…both escapes. The book is a happy one, so there is no reason to shed tears. But somehow when I’m awake the loneliness of the day creeps in and steal my happiness. Life goes on.

Families surround me, laughing, cooking out, enjoying their time together never thinking how sad this day is for a grieving widow. I can’t call my Mom and talk to her, she’s in heaven with you. I can’t call my son and talk to him and find out how he’s spending the holiday weekend…he’s in heaven with you.

The kids are busy with their lives. Baseball games, gardens, graduation plans, just being together. Hard to believe the grandkids are growing so quickly.

The roses are beginning to bloom in the front garden, but something is eating the leaves. If you were here, you’d tell me what to put on them to kill the pests. I miss you in so many ways. I try to keep the gardens going because I know how much work you put in with planting and the pride you took in the beauty they provided each year. I don’t want to let you down.

But, oh, I miss you. I miss you in the depth of my soul. I look at your picture and talk to you and pour out my love. I want to go visit your grave, but it’s just too sad. It cements in the loneliness and the fact that I’m alone. Going there and then coming home to this empty house is so hard to bear.

I’ve never been good at being alone. I go through each day, making it somehow, waiting for the time I can close my eyes and fall asleep. I wish I could dream of you. Why don’t I? Is it because God doesn’t want me to treasure sleep over being awake? I have a routine each day. Being busy helps.

Sundays are bad when church is over. We always rested on Sundays. Ate out after church. Went out to eat dinner. I miss our meals at Captain D’s and running into people we knew and chatting. Making friends of people who came in each week at the same time. Playing Skip-Bo in the evening. Oh, how I miss our together time, and especially your smile, your laugh, your touch, your kiss.

I miss us.

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