One is the Loneliest Number

tulipsJune is widely known as the month of weddings, new beginnings, and love. For me it has become a marking month of days and weeks of sorrow. The month when I watched my husband die. People talk about soulmates, and I can attest that there is such a thing. My husband and I were true soulmates. I miss him constantly. I miss him in the beauty of the gardens he created, the work his hands did in this house, the bed where I now sleep alone, in the very air I breathe. It has been almost three years now. June 26 is the date he left the pain of this world and entered Heaven to tend to God’s gardens.

Why do I feel grief so keenly still? Perhaps because God planned this from the very beginning when He said two would become one. Then when half of the one is removed, the remaining half is left to heal.

For the most part, I am healing. I find joy in the life the Lord has provided. I’ve always been more of an introvert than most people. I’m a writer and I find peace and comfort in the silenceĀ  with my hands on the keyboard as my thoughts pour out. Yes, I’m lonely sometimes. But the loneliness can’t be changed by being in a crowd of people or even in the comfort of my children’s homes. I’m lonely because my soulmate is not with me in any of the places I go. Half of me is gone.

I try to remain positive and to be an inspiration to others. I see God In the beauty of the sunshine, the flowers, trees, rain, snow, wind. And these things are comforting because He shows me He is a loving, compassionate God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. I have His promise of an eternal life and being reunited with my loved ones who have gone ahead of me.

And so, June is here again. Father’s Day is a sad day for me. My father’s are no longer in this world. And my soulmate was transported to the hospital on Father’s Day three years ago. He died in the ambulance, but they brought him back, and placed him on a ventilator where he lived another 10 days as his body slowly shut down. I said goodbye to him in the silence of a room only he, Jesus and I occupied. We celebrated his life and sang him off to Heaven. It is the way of life. The circle of life.

And I continue to wake in the morning, give thanks to the Lord, and strive to be a blessing to others. To live my life for whatever purpose God has for me until He calls me home. Until then, I move through the days of June each year with an acute grief of remembrance.


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