Writer's Journal

An Imposter Has Displaced Me

I woke this morning with my brain in hyperactive mode. I can’t seem to concentrate on one thing for many seconds before it is off and running to something else. It’s very uncomfortable. I can’t read because my eyes move over the words, but my brain doesn’t remember a single one of them because it has turned to see a shiny hidden object.

Have any of you had this happen?

Even as I write this, I feel my brain squirming and trying to spin as I hold it still. I’ve accepted it won’t be a productive day. I’m struggling to even find words to fill this blog post.

I discovered this hyperactive brain mode as I tried to focus on my devotions and Bible reading for the day. I had to reread each item several times. Trying to recall what I read now is like reaching through a dense fog to grasp onto something elusive.

I’m not me. I miss the calm, peaceful me–the woman who has learned to live and focus on the moment without seeking to borrow from tomorrow. An imposter has displaced her. I’m going to end this writing and sit in the presence of Jesus and talk to Him. He will understand and I know He can guide me out of this dark place.

Senior Life

The Filled Journal

I had always wanted to be someone who writes in a journal on a regular basis and so many times I started and then just lost interest. But in 2019 my youngest daughter purchased a spiral bound Christian journal for me for Christmas. I began writing in it on January 1, 2020 and made my last entry on July 31, 2022. So much happened during those two and a half years, and though I didn’t write my thoughts on a daily basis, I captured history inside those pages. The feelings I had during the pandemic were probably the most historical moments.

I’m going in search of another similar journal so I can continue the process as I found it a wonderful way to talk to God or just share my intimate thoughts about my life. This journal had scripture verses on each page and my name was inserted in them. I found it so comforting.

Wish me well in my journaling search!

Morning Thoughts

No Rock, Paper, Scissors

Rock, paper, scissors was the way my friends and I made decisions when we were young enough to play hopscotch and tag–when days were endless hours of playing in the sunshine and catching fireflies at night.

Those days are long gone now. Through my adult years I’ve been faced with many decisions. I became good at making lists of pros and cons. This still works when making financial decisions, but not so with emotionally charged decisions.

I’m facing saying goodbye to my furry friend of nineteen years. It’s been a roller coaster ride for the past year. He has his good days and bad days, like me. I tell him we are just two old people doing life together, one human, one feline. However, his bad days are every day now. Yet, he eats good, and wants to spend every waking minute by my side. I am comforted listening to him purr every time I touch him.

He sleeps a lot, but when his naps are over, he’s vociferous, loudly vociferous, until he finds me and feels my touch. His health issues require a lot of bending, cleaning, and constant attention, which I won’t elaborate on in this blog post. His weight is more than half what it used to be. His body is weak and he stumbles, but so do I.

Making the decision on what is the right thing to do can’t be accomplished by a game of rock, paper, scissors. He doesn’t know how to play. When it comes to a list of pros and cons the emotional pain overwhelms me. How does one say goodbye when so much love is involved?

I’m haunted by the decision I had to make in 2013 when a doctor offered a possibility of extending my husband’s nonexistence in a hospital bed where his body was shutting down. Emotional decisions when the choice is whether or not to extend a life that isn’t really a life are heartbreaking.

And so today, Templeton and I will visit the veterinarian possibly for the last time. In this case, as in the case of my husband, I will ask the same question of the doctor. If this was your father, or cat, what would you do?

Senior Life

Bubble Baths and Me Time

I remember the days of interruptions, squabbling children, meals to fix, housecleaning, laundry, endless hours of being a mother, housekeeper, bookkeeper, cook and chauffer, all on top of working outside the home at a full-time job.

So many times I longed for peace and quiet…a few hours to rest quietly and regain energy. Usually those moments were found in a bubble bath behind a bathroom door that didn’t lock. During two plus years of that time, there were studies for a college degree.

How did I manage? It seems God gives us the strength to persevere and endure. I hear many young mothers complaining and longing for respite. Perhaps it is a perpetual desire for “me” time.

I have all the “me” time I could ever desire in this stage of life. If only I could have foreseen this time coming and all it meant, I might have taken more pleasure in the hectic years of raising a family. Or not. For there was little free time to think what the future might hold.

Quiet surrounds me. I hear only the tapping of the keyboard and the sound of raindrops on the window of this rainy morning. I talk to myself because I need to hear the sound of voices.

I sip my tea in silent pleasure and wish my husband would wander to the doorway to read me something from the morning newspaper. I miss his voice. I miss his embraces. I miss the warmth of his body next to mine in the bed at night. Despite these things, life moves on. And God continues to provide strength to persevere and endure.

Morning Thoughts

In the Still Moments

This morning I sit and look through my office window at the sunshine and the lovely colors of spring, and I’m suspended in these still moments. No words clamor to be written. This is a pleasant place to rest for now, safely under His wings.

I sip my tea. I smile. I feel His nearness.

This is a gift. This is the peace that passes understanding. I breathe. This is the breath He breathed into my lungs. This is life. He knew me before I existed. He knows me now.

I am grateful here in the still moments of morning.