No Rock, Paper, Scissors

Rock, paper, scissors was the way my friends and I made decisions when we were young enough to play hopscotch and tag–when days were endless hours of playing in the sunshine and catching fireflies at night.

Those days are long gone now. Through my adult years I’ve been faced with many decisions. I became good at making lists of pros and cons. This still works when making financial decisions, but not so with emotionally charged decisions.

I’m facing saying goodbye to my furry friend of nineteen years. It’s been a roller coaster ride for the past year. He has his good days and bad days, like me. I tell him we are just two old people doing life together, one human, one feline. However, his bad days are every day now. Yet, he eats good, and wants to spend every waking minute by my side. I am comforted listening to him purr every time I touch him.

He sleeps a lot, but when his naps are over, he’s vociferous, loudly vociferous, until he finds me and feels my touch. His health issues require a lot of bending, cleaning, and constant attention, which I won’t elaborate on in this blog post. His weight is more than half what it used to be. His body is weak and he stumbles, but so do I.

Making the decision on what is the right thing to do can’t be accomplished by a game of rock, paper, scissors. He doesn’t know how to play. When it comes to a list of pros and cons the emotional pain overwhelms me. How does one say goodbye when so much love is involved?

I’m haunted by the decision I had to make in 2013 when a doctor offered a possibility of extending my husband’s nonexistence in a hospital bed where his body was shutting down. Emotional decisions when the choice is whether or not to extend a life that isn’t really a life are heartbreaking.

And so today, Templeton and I will visit the veterinarian possibly for the last time. In this case, as in the case of my husband, I will ask the same question of the doctor. If this was your father, or cat, what would you do?

My Heart is Breaking As I Write This

It is 3am as I write this. The weekend has been hard for me. My 18 year old cat Wilbur is dying. He ate only a spoonful occasionally during the past week and stopped eating on Friday. He has been very lethargic and today was in pain and distress. I had some pain meds for his brother’s arthritis, so I gave him a few drops twice on Sunday and it helped him to rest. He can’t walk and is barely breathing.

I have been sitting with him constantly since I returned from church today. When the vet office opens, I will call and take him in to have him put to sleep. In the meantime, I’m praying he will pass peacefully in his sleep.

I’m hurting so much. My heart is breaking. I have felt so alone today. I cry. I pray. I don’t want to go through another euthanasia. I need God to answer my prayer and not let him suffer any longer. This reminds me so of the night I was all alone with my husband watching him die. I kept praying for mercy and telling him it was okay to go home. This would have been the 5th day my husband was in the hospital with a ventilator just 8 years ago. This time is difficult for me because of those memories. I’m not sure why God chose this time for Wilbur to go through the process of dying. I will never know because when I get to Heaven there will be no need to remember any sadness. I only know God loves me.

I will count on Him to get me through the rest of this night and through whatever tomorrow brings. I wish I wasn’t so alone right now. I do not want any pets in the future. I know I will have to face this again soon. My 3 cats were all from the same litter. Charlotte passed just before Thanksgiving in 2020. Now Wilbur. Templeton will be sad when his brother leaves and I hope it doesn’t hasten his leaving me, too.

I so need the comforting arms of my beloved husband. It is so difficult to be alone when going through this. I miss him so much right now.

If you pray, I ask that you please pray for God’s mercy. I can’t share pictures with you today as all the color seems to have left my world right now. I will share all I did this week with you in next week’s post. May God be with you all. Until next time…

The First Snow of the Season

My world is slowly being colored white during the first snowfall of the season. It is the day I’ve been waiting for, this first whiteness to cover the dark colors of the dying season. Snow makes my heart smile. Perhaps it is the pristine color of unblemished white remind me of the purity of Jesus, my Savior. Though white isn’t really a color, it is something I can see with my eyes. I can almost taste it. It calms me. It recalls the beauty of hope.

Snow. Beautiful.

My world was darkened by the recent passing of my 17-1/2 year companion, Charlotte. My heart was heavy with the loss of her sweet presence in my life. Her two brothers have also been struggling with missing her. Our circle is smaller.

The day we brought her home from the vet.

Charlotte loving her brother, Templeton.

One of her favorite spots to nap in the daytime next to my pillow.

This week has been one in which I didn’t do much coloring. Toward the end of the week, I managed to color. Also, I can share the pictures I colored for the color along with two of my daughters as it is the last day of the month. One version I colored with pencils, the other with markers. I’m also sharing a pic I colored the week before, but forgot to post last week from the Chibi Girls book.

From Jade Summer Chibi Girls Grayscale coloring book

Book: Colouring Heaven Cutesy Christmas Artist: Ruth Sanderson

Book: Fairy Companions
Artist: Selena Fenech
Title: Carry Me Home

Book: Fairy Companions
Artist: Selena Fenech
Title: Carry Me Home

Book: Colouring Heaven Woodland Fairies
Artist: Christine Karron
Title: Snow Fairy

My house is now decorated for Christmas and I’m settling in for a comfortable winter as the snow continues to accumulate. May your world be filled with beautiful colors…until next week…God bless you and yours.