Category: Life in the “Golden Years”

Day by Day · Life in the “Golden Years”

On the Edge – Baring the Truth of Being “Elderly”

Carol Ann Erhardt2 Comments

Lately I feel as if I’m under spiritual attack. I’m becoming more and more of a person who prefers to be alone in my home rather than be with other people, even people I love and enjoy. It began during the pandemic lockdown, when I felt isolated from the world. That’s when I began to avoid looking into the eyes of others. I kept my gaze focused on the groceries I was seeking, then made my escape, so relieved to be back in my home.

The desire to go out to be around others never returned. However, I’m happy when family and friends come to my condo. Outside of my turf, I feel like a stranger. Even with my small group, I feel this distance. I don’t like this feeling. I’ve spent a lot of time praying and talking to Jesus about this, asking for His help to stand strong against this spiritual attack.

I’ve heard of agoraphobia, so I researched to see if this might be what I’m experiencing. I didn’t fit any of the symptoms until I found agoraphobia without panic attacks. The symptom that fit very well was the fear of saying or doing something that might embarrass me. And that leads me to what happened to me after my husband passed.

Living alone was a major adjustment. I began to feel out of place as everywhere I went I saw couples. I wanted to be a couple again. I always felt safe and grounded with my husband at my side. Losing his earthly presence left me feeling alone. Not lonely, but alone. It helped when I was working at the church. I felt needed again. I loved the interaction with other people, and especially praying and helping those who were in need. I felt useful again. After retiring from the church position, I moved into this condo.

I love the peaceful atmosphere, surrounded by nature, and feeling close to God. I enjoyed chatting with neighbors, settling in. All was good, and then the pandemic hit. Chats with neighbors ceased. Visits ceased. And I began to feel the aloneness settle in. Aloneness that felt right somehow. Why? Because I had nothing in common with anyone. I was aging.

My hobbies and my cats filled my hours. I refused to watch news on the television. I kept my mind occupied with God and hobbies. Even church had to be an online experience. Taking communion alone in the privacy of my little condo, which had become my world, was strange. After nearly a year of this existence, things began to change. Yet, everything normal had also changed. A long time had passed since I’d seen actual faces. We all hid behind masks. The mask became my fortress. I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped caring about clothing preferring the comfort of sweats, jeans, and loose shirts. And house slippers. I lost my ability to carry on a conversation.

With others, I found nothing to add to any discussion. I listened, smiled, and felt out of place. My mind wasn’t working fast enough to come up with anything interesting to add. I had trouble keeping up. I felt old, but I continued to try. In the back of my mind was the need to get back to my home and immerse myself in mindless hobbies, a place where I didn’t need to fit in.

I wasn’t depressed. Oh, occasionally, I’d have bad (down) days, but that happens I believe to everyone. Those times when memories are triggered and the loss returns.

This is a baring of my soul to the world. An attempt to explain what being alone feels like to me. I don’t know if others experience this. Maybe, maybe not. I just know this shouldn’t be normal, nor should I accept it. And I do not want to add one more medication which might (in the eyes of the medical world) help. I’m trusting in God. I’m asking Jesus to give me the strength to step outside my comfort zone. To show me how to be a good Christian in an elderly body. To move Satan out of the way and to not let him encroach on my mind.

I need to feel comfortable again with who I am at this stage of life. My age has become a detriment to my mind. I fight against the age thing, but the truth is I only feel comfortable with others who are also near my age. I don’t think this is normal, but maybe it is. Now that I’m 80, and seniors are recognized as anyone over 55-60, I’m considered elderly. I have to be aware of tripping hazards. When I have conversations with others around my age, we talk about the past, and about aches and pains. I don’t want to be this person! I want to break free, but I don’t know how. I want to feel needed again. I’m slipping from the edge and clinging desperately to stop the fall.

Can anyone relate?

Life in the “Golden Years”

Beautiful Hand Crafted Journal

Carol Ann Erhardt2 Comments

I love to write. To me, words are comforting. Though my thoughts tend to the flowery, poetic side when I think about free style writing, usually my journaling is about things that are happening in my life. But, isn’t that more like a diary? My first completed journal contained about two and a half years of daily life and prayers. It was interesting to go back and read those entries, especially those written during the months of lockdown and Covid in 2020.

The last completed journal was a beautiful homemade journal filled with tea-stained pages to write on and various pockets with tags. I began keeping it as a listing of things where I saw God. I added a bit of journaling for the 40 days of sugar fasting one year, and then just diary type journaling as I finished. The tags were covered with scripture, prayers, and God thoughts. I finished it last year. So this year I began writing diary type entries and prayers in a notebook gifted to me, but I wasn’t inspired by the pages inside. So I asked my daughter if she would make me a new journal. I wasn’t sure what I would write, but I had in mind to just write whatever thoughts I might have no matter how flowery or poetic. I just wanted to do something different that what I’d been doing.

I received my beautiful journal last week. I was overwhelmed with how gorgeous it is, and how it fit perfectly into my poetic plans for journaling! Here’s a little peek inside this lovely treasure.

I chose four InkJoy gel pens with different colored inks to use when I journal. I decided not to journal page by page, but to choose the page that best fits my journaling thoughts at the moment.

I feel so blessed and loved to receive such a perfect journal, especially one created by my very talented daughter. Let the journaling begin!

Life in the “Golden Years”

The Scary Animal Outside My Bedroom Window One Night

Carol Ann Erhardt2 Comments

Tuesday was a late to bed and not being able to fall asleep instantly. I don’t have those kinds of nights often any longer. I tossed and turned for over an hour and prayed for friends and family going through the alphabet from A to Z. I finally gave up. I headed to the kitchen and made a cup of Sleepytime Extra tea. This usually makes me drowsy. While I drank it, I separated border pieces from the 1000 piece “Fairytale Fantasia” (Aimee Stewart) Ravensburg jigsaw puzzle.

I still wasn’t drowsy when I was finished. So I worked on my diamond painting for about 20 minutes. Then my eyelids grew heavy. I snuggled into bed and fell asleep UNTIL I heard an animal outside my bedroom window snuffling and snorting! What a scary sound! I listened as it continued to make frightening noises and my heart was pounding. What to do? What was it?

I looked for Finnegan to see if he was watching through the window, but he wasn’t there. This made me even more cautious. Should I creep to the living room and peer out the big window to see what was out there?

It sounded like a bear. But bears aren’t common in these areas. Would a coyote sound like that? I doubted so. After worrying and knowing I had to find out what it was, I got onto my knees and pulled up to peer out the window.

Nothing was there. The noises stopped. I looked and looked but nothing was moving outside. This was good, right?

I slid back under the covers and got comfortable. And then, I heard it again! Loud and insistent! I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. And then I listened intently. Would my bushes be destroyed come morning? Or my porch chairs? Could it be a raccoon? I doubted it would make these kinds of sounds. A chuffing, rooting in the ground, weird noise I couldn’t place.

And then I put my hands on my stomach.

And felt the gurgling. Oh! My stomach was the culprit! I’d never heard such a turmoil in my gut before!

And then I laughed. My ears deceive me all the time as to where a sound originates. I’m surprised I was able to fall back asleep. I admit it took a while, but eventually I snuck in almost four hours of sleep.

Day by Day · Life in the “Golden Years”

Do I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Carol Ann Erhardt4 Comments

It’s been a dreary kind of winter this year. Not so terribly cold, and not a lot of snow, but a lot of cloudy days and rain. While each of those can be days that inspire me in different ways, lately I’ve been feeling kind of alone in a corner of the world with little to no human contact. I’m an introvert, so hobbies keep me busy, but the heavy feeling crept in over the past few weeks.

On Monday of this week, we had an unusually beautiful, sunny day, with warm temperatures. Instead of staying indoors, as I’d been doing lately, I made a decision to venture out into the world. I wanted tacos. Most people laugh when I tell them my favorite tacos are offered at Taco Bell. I don’t care. They are the best. I hadn’t indulged in a long time.

I planned my day to first stop and pick up my prescription. Instead of the drive through pick-up as usual, I parked and walked into the grocery store. The pharmacy is at the opposite side of the store, so I enjoyed the walk. I also had chosen to park at the farthest spot I could find from the entrance. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the sun on my skin, was so exhilarating!

Next, I drove to Taco Bell and ordered my tacos to go, along with a drink. But I didn’t eat them there. I drove to the nearest Hobby Lobby. Unfortunately, they moved from close to my home across town and on a busy road. So I don’t go there often. On Monday, I was intentional with making it happen. Then I sat in my car in the parking lot and enjoyed my tacos and drink. Yes, they were a bit soggy, but I didn’t care! They tasted so wonderful!

I love Hobby Lobby. I enjoy walking around looking at the huge variety of “stuff” they have to offer while listening to Christian music. I aimed for the craft section of the store, with nothing in mind to purchase. I wound up with my arms, no basket for this girl, holding one Prismacolor pencil, a box with four cardboard puzzle trays inside, a pack of Christian stickers for my Christian planner, and a dispenser of glue dots! I had two gift cards with small amounts on them and decided to use them first. They covered the cost of all my purchases!

I left feeling so uplifted. I spent most of my driving time talking with God and thanking Him for such a beautiful day and all His provisions. I felt so good that day. When I planned the day, I had wondered if I was being affected by SAD. I don’t know for sure, but I can testify that it helped me to no longer feel isolated. Sometimes we can get too comfortable in our “safe” spots. But we do need to get out and enjoy the beautiful world God has created. I did, and I was blessed.

Life in the “Golden Years”

Silence the Noise

Carol Ann Erhardt2 Comments

Today is day 10 of my fast. One quarter through. I’ve been doing well with giving up those snacks after dinner. I have cut down my television watching as well. So, I’m feeling pretty positive about making new habits and breaking old ones.

What I’m doing is finding a closer relationship with Christ in this time. I’m aware of the times Satan tries to lead me astray and enjoy telling him no. Oh, he attacks my thoughts at every opportunity, so I’m making use of the word I’m praying this week. Silence. (Speak this word into the busyness and noise of your life. Make it a prayer for quietness. Use it as a reminder to calm your own mind and heart. Let it be a request for more moments of silence during this holy season.)

When he shows up, I say silence. And then I say Jesus. Those are calming words. Sometimes lots of thoughts just swarm through my head making me feel like I have what my friend calls “foggy brain.” They can become overwhelming and cause me to feel disoriented. So using the words silence and Jesus put a sudden halt to these thoughts and those slipped in from Satan.

We are told that we will be under attack when we are followers of Jesus. I attest this is true. I need to silence the chaos in order to listen to the right voice.

If you are having difficulty staying with the fast during this 40 days, whatever you have chosen to fast from, try using the word silence to clear negative thoughts and allow the voice of God to speak to you.

Blessings and hope for you and me as we go through these holy days of fasting.